Why I said what I said to Carlos

My comment to Carlos starts off by stating how I enjoyed reading his work and that I liked the background information he provided in his opening paragraph. The higher order concern that I hope he will pay attention to for his final draft is his thesis and overall focus he wants to base his paper on. I wanted the opening paragraph to introduce me to what I would be reading about in the essay. His second paragraph actually seemed to me like a better introduction of the poem since the opening paragraph focused on Greek mythology and the author of his chosen poem which he did not even state title. I did not mention this in my comment to Carlos, but I think he should consider condensing the first two paragraphs into an opening paragraph and make a new paragraph elaborating on tone. My closing comment is that his grade would benefit if he made a more defined thesis.
Since I found Carlos’ paper well developed, explanatory, written with a consistent voice/tone, and the structure/organization clear I focused my comment on thesis. Since I know the importance of a defined focus and that it has the potential to strengthen the work, providing the foundation for the skeleton that’s about to be built, I chose thesis. Carlos opens his work my stating the author of the poem he chose and what the poem “deals with.” A sentence later he writes, “This poem gave me very deep vivid images that brought projections of a great battle into my mind.” This is a fragmented possible thesis and the only sentence in the nine-sentence opening paragraph that is devoted to his chosen poem.